Spectacle~

I was there with a dozen others, yet alone. I smiled and heard and talked, but the smile kept fading and it was a task to keep the corners of my mouth from drooping. As she spoke to me, I was not really listening. I was glad that in the room full of people she was talking to me but even so, I could not keep smiling. It was fading, slowly, and I was very conscious of that fact. There was a point when it went out completely. It’s happened on several occasions before, and I’m sure it’s not just me who's experienced this. But at that particular moment, when I felt the smile leave my face, it was truly an effort to make myself smile again as she spoke to me.Then onwards, throughout the evening, I felt as though I was observing everyone else from a distance. I was a part of the gathering, but not quite. There was an air of calm inside me as well as around me. Peace yet strife. It was unsettling yet, somehow, suitable.
I looked at the people around me – the old friends, the mortified wife, the laid back husband, the entertainer… all of them. I noticed the subtle hint of friction here and there, the sarcastic offhand comments passed back and forth and also the more obvious ones. It was entertaining yet somehow, all of it made me feel very sad.
I couldn’t see happiness anywhere. And I could certainly not feel it inside me. Happiness lies in our own hands… or does it? Aren’t we responsible for our own happiness? Only to a certain extent, I feel. People around us, people we are emotionally dependent on, are equally (or more) responsible for our happiness. And it is also a fact that we are responsible for that as well. It’s coming back to a full circle, but it does make sense. They end up being responsible only because we let ourselves lean on them to the point where we no longer only ‘want’ but ‘need’. When what we need is no more in our hands alone, we are dependent on them!
It is, then, in their hands to keep the happiness alive. Two people, deeply in love, are emotionally dependent on each other. How deeply one loves another, he/she may tell each other all the time, but at the end of the day, it is only that person who knows how it feels. How it feels to love the other. How good it feels or how much it pains. All said and done, it is not how we feel inside, how much we love that matters but what we do. The actions, the words, the gestures – these are the things that actually convey the feelings. The feeling inside us, we cannot pass on to them (though it certainly is a good idea) but through actions we can make them feel it.‘How you feel, or how much you love will not matter, what you DO will.’
But moving on to reality… the spectacle went on.
The night ended with a couple getting into a major fight, which I’m certain would embarrass them when they wake up tomorrow. If they remember, that is. The entertainer went on singing…unperturbed by the fact that there was no longer anyone listening to him and that his wife was dancing in the arms of another. The mortified wife sighing and leaving alone while she knew her laid back husband got drunk beyond control and went on to make a fool of himself.
And in the meanwhile, I was surprised to feel the hint of a smile forming on my lips….