It's all in the mind...or is it?

There are a lot of nightmares these days.
There was one about me being in the middle of a nice family dinner and suddenly realising we are at war with Russia!! I wonder where that came from? I could actually see the war-planes in the air and bombing around us.
And there there was one where I was in the middle of a nuclear attack~ I know now, as I write this, how funny it sounds. Comical, really. But it scared me a lot. It was so real.
Funny part is, it's almost always about death. My fear of death seems to be getting worse, to the point where I am almost terrified of taking a flight by myself. Not that it's anything new. I have always been scared of death. Mine and of those I love. But it feels more real now. When i'm scared like that, the thoughts are so graphic.
At the risk of sounding like a nerd, you know how we're always reading about how movies and violence can influence our thoughts? I feel my fear of flying alone actually got to this level after I saw Final Destination-I. No kidding.
About a month back, I was taking a flight to Bangalore. I was going home for a week and was pretty excited. But during the time I was sitting waiting for the aircraft to take off, all I could think about was the various ways I could die while in the air and how there would be no way out! I was so terrified that I might die before I get to see my family. That I would die alone, just when my life is starting really. From the minute the aircraft began taxxing till the time it was landing, I was holding my breath. Every sound, every bump had me ready to scream!
I can't get those two recent nightmares out of my mind. Sometimes, unwillingly, I go through the details that I can still remember. It was so real.
But I don't want to. I don't want to see anything like that again. Not in my dreams and definitely not while i'm awake.

Back in Black!!

Listening to Man in the Box - Alice in Chains right now.
This song just makes me want to stand up and sing the song at the top of my voice. Maybe even throw in some headbanging. Right here in this dull office. Shock these people beyond imagination. Scandalise them.
Seeing me dressed in black every other day and the dark, smokey eyes along with the black nailpolish, black nose-ring and blackmetal rings have already got so many people here thinking of me as a goth follower or metal head or something! Well, I'm not. I do love rock, though. Hard, hard rock. Loud guitars and the things they do with their voices. The awesome music. I love gettin goosebumps when listening to my favourite songs. I love the 'energy' in rock music.
Getting back on track, what surprises me is how hard it is for people to think for one moment that I may be really, really fond of the 'colour' black?? Because I am. I love the colour black. I love seeing black on my skin. It looks beautiful.
I've wanted to see a hint of blue in my hair for a long, long time now, but I truly love how black my hair are. Not dark brown or nothing. Black :) And that's the biggest reason for me not getting blue streaks yet. I worry it'll spoil the 'blackness' of my hair~
Thats also one reason why I want a tattoo. I want that black mark on my skin. And I want a music note :)
Black just looks beautiful. And magical. And sexy. And mystical. And dark. And classy. And beautiful. And enigmatic. And it stands out. And i love it! :)

'...don't try to push your luck, just get outta my way...
CUZ IM BACK!! YES IM BACK!! WELL IM BACK!! YEAH IM BACK!!
IM BACK IN BLACKK...'
:D Cheers! \m/

Waiting...for...?

N.P.: Hanging by a Moment - Lifehouse

It's really appropriate too. I really do feel like I'm hanging by a moment. I was, actually, till a few moments back. You know one of the worst feelings? Imagine believing in something completely, something that you felt actually made you 'complete', was a part of you... like a body part. Now imagine suddenly realising that it's not a part of you.
Ok, I don't know if that made complete sense. But that's how it feels.
For instance, you pour all that you have into a glass and the glass gave way from the bottom and the liquid just slowly and slowly forms a circle around the base of the glass. And you stand there watching it, seeing what has happened but not moving. Just standing there, watching the circle gettin bigger. You know that it's going to start dripping from the table any moment now but you don't make a move to do anything about it. You can't. Because you are so shocked that happened. And slowly, drop by drop, the liquid falls to the floor. All of it is going to be on the floor soon. Not just yet, but soon.
That's where I am. Was.
But there was still time for me to put another glass under the table so all the drops would fall into the other. I know that the other glass doesn't belong to me but all I could think of then was to save that liquid. What was left of it. But I do realise that it's not mine.
I took too long.
I stood there, pondering over my options. The pros and cons. The million possibilities. 'What if?', 'How?', 'Then what?'...and so on and so forth!
And then she reached out and picked up her glass. I cannot describe the feeling of loss that hit me that very instant. Loss & confusion as well. For I know it wasn't mine. Why then, was I feeling like I had lost something?
And then, suddenly, she kept it down, right next to me. I felt the wind knocked out of me. All I had to do was reach out and lift it. Just reach out and see what happens. Suddenly, it was dark. So dark I couldn't see the glass, couldn't even see my own hands. But I did hear the soft sound of the drops...
When the light's came on the glass wasn't there. I wish I hadn't waited so long.

The light's have just come on and I feel like I've lost the last of the hope that was left in me. I can't bear to look at what's left of what I so badly wanted to save.

The Window That Beckoned~

I look at myself and at all the people around me...and there's one thing I can't help but wonder!
Do people actually enjoy being hurt?
 She was a little lost. Lost in the world that she had suddenly found herself in, the one with the million oppurtunities and possibilities. And to her, it felt like she could not make the right choices for herself. Where she was going wrong and what exactly it was, she couldn't quite put a finger on. And yet the window of oppurtunities had only just been shown to her. She was yet to explore the depths, experience the sting, taste the fruit or hear the music; though she was almost there...on the brink of opening that window...
He was new there. Met a few people, connected with a few. He was trying hard to hold on to what he had and 'remain' what he was, but he was so sure of himself. He was secure in being who he was.

And then they met. And BAM!!! It was bound to happen. They fell in love, or so they thought! Together, they were so much in sync, moving along like fluid...together. Always together. People started referring to both as one. 'You' now meant 'you both'! It was simple. It was easy and comfortable. It fit.


But there were times when that window beckoned... and she would think about what lay beyond it. She wavered. And then, on that dark, dark day, the urge was too strong and propelled with a feeling of anger over some trivial matter, set with determination and bursting with curiosity, the window was opened. The black blizzard that enveloped her after that had her wandering through the darkness for a long, long time. And in that darkness, she lost the way back... made a couple of wrong choices, took the wrong road. It was like a whilrwind, sweeping her within itself. Showing her faces she knew but not quite. Sides of herself she was frightened of and facinated with at the same time. There it was, now hers. No longer a secret. She felt the thrill, the sudden feeling of the wind having been knocked out of her stomach but there was also the fear, of what she was to lose... or had already lost.
He, after her, tried opening the window which had shut so tightly behind her, but he couldn't pry it open. It wouldn't budge. He knew it would open only when she was ready. And so he waited...and waited.. there by the window. That DAMN window.

And she did come back. But that's not the point. She came back and he took her in his arms. But that's not the point either.
The point is...Why??
I know what I mean when I ask why... and I can't quite explain it...
Why to whoever may read this may mean 'why did she open the window', 'why did he wait', 'why did she come back', 'why did he take her back'... or.. 'why the f*** are u writin this bullshit' ;)


Go figure... I wrote a story of two people I know... and I'm happy he took her back. But it angers me too.

The Tree

It happened today. I was sleeping and had been putting off my alarm for 2 hours when suddenly, I just sat up in bed. And I mean 'sat up'! Not just 'eyes open' or something. I knew then, that even if I tried, I couldn't have gone back to sleep! And for anyone who knows me well... something like that doesn't seem natural coming from me.
After that, it took me only 20 minutes to step out of the house (it usually takes me an hour – if i'm headin for work). And I felt good gettin out of the house. The weather just perfect, a little sun and the cool, yet comfortable breeze! And as I sat in the auto... on those bumpy roads, the autowallah bhaiya switched on his radio... and there was this song playing, which just made me want to dance!! All I want to do this very moment is get out there! It's just one of those great days that was not meant to be spent indoors! Doing absolutely Nothing. What a waste. It kind of spoils my happiness of the morning. It's a day perfect for spending under The Tree, doing absolutely Nothing!
But no, I will not complain today. I'm going to test myself and see if I can maintain this feeling throughout the day, even if I am not able to do what I want most right now: To sit in the sun with PeeWee, have a nice hot cup of chai under our Tree in our most favourite place, talk about random things that are important only to us, look at people and wonder, laugh our guts out on the jokes that only we get. That is what I want most right now. Just for today. To feel that carefree and light and breezy and secure in myself. Not that I have the weight of the world on my shoulders today, but of course things have changed.
Oh and of course, I am nostalgic. We had those days. Sooo many of them. And we talk about those days and miss those times so often. People often say, in fact even I do, that we should live each moment to the fullest. And I think I do, now. And I did even then, those countless days under The Tree.
But I still miss them so much! I think I always will.

Picture Perfect~

There are times when you want time to just hold still. When all you want is to be able to hold on to that perfect moment. When you are aware of the fact that everything in that moment is perfect and yours to keep and hold on to. Only yours, but at the same time you know that it would only take a moment to change it. It could take just one second and you, along with time, will have moved on from that moment.

All this goes back and forth in your head in just that moment. So, you want to stay in that moment and not let go, because you know that you will move on. It’s bizarre when you think about it. You are right there but there’s all this conflict going on inside your head and you know what you need to do.
And since it's not possible to stay there forever, you do the best you can do and take in the surroundings, the smiles, the words...
The half filled glass in your hand, the voice of Mark Knopfler in the background, the tiny cluster of your loved one's swaying to the music, the dark of the night, the chill in the air, the hand of that special someone at the small of your back, the faint mixed aroma of cigarettes and tandoori chicken... and then someone says something funny and everyone's laughing. He asks her what she’s thinking and she looks up at him and she smiles... and she says she’s taking a picture.
And a picture it is. Perfect and whole. Like so many others, stored away to be picked out whenever you choose to…

Spectacle~

I was there with a dozen others, yet alone. I smiled and heard and talked, but the smile kept fading and it was a task to keep the corners of my mouth from drooping. As she spoke to me, I was not really listening. I was glad that in the room full of people she was talking to me but even so, I could not keep smiling. It was fading, slowly, and I was very conscious of that fact. There was a point when it went out completely. It’s happened on several occasions before, and I’m sure it’s not just me who's experienced this. But at that particular moment, when I felt the smile leave my face, it was truly an effort to make myself smile again as she spoke to me.Then onwards, throughout the evening, I felt as though I was observing everyone else from a distance. I was a part of the gathering, but not quite. There was an air of calm inside me as well as around me. Peace yet strife. It was unsettling yet, somehow, suitable.
I looked at the people around me – the old friends, the mortified wife, the laid back husband, the entertainer… all of them. I noticed the subtle hint of friction here and there, the sarcastic offhand comments passed back and forth and also the more obvious ones. It was entertaining yet somehow, all of it made me feel very sad.
I couldn’t see happiness anywhere. And I could certainly not feel it inside me. Happiness lies in our own hands… or does it? Aren’t we responsible for our own happiness? Only to a certain extent, I feel. People around us, people we are emotionally dependent on, are equally (or more) responsible for our happiness. And it is also a fact that we are responsible for that as well. It’s coming back to a full circle, but it does make sense. They end up being responsible only because we let ourselves lean on them to the point where we no longer only ‘want’ but ‘need’. When what we need is no more in our hands alone, we are dependent on them!
It is, then, in their hands to keep the happiness alive. Two people, deeply in love, are emotionally dependent on each other. How deeply one loves another, he/she may tell each other all the time, but at the end of the day, it is only that person who knows how it feels. How it feels to love the other. How good it feels or how much it pains. All said and done, it is not how we feel inside, how much we love that matters but what we do. The actions, the words, the gestures – these are the things that actually convey the feelings. The feeling inside us, we cannot pass on to them (though it certainly is a good idea) but through actions we can make them feel it.‘How you feel, or how much you love will not matter, what you DO will.’
But moving on to reality… the spectacle went on.
The night ended with a couple getting into a major fight, which I’m certain would embarrass them when they wake up tomorrow. If they remember, that is. The entertainer went on singing…unperturbed by the fact that there was no longer anyone listening to him and that his wife was dancing in the arms of another. The mortified wife sighing and leaving alone while she knew her laid back husband got drunk beyond control and went on to make a fool of himself.
And in the meanwhile, I was surprised to feel the hint of a smile forming on my lips….

Darkness...

Each day begins with sunrise, a new dawn. Brightness. Life.
Every life awakens with a sense of a new day beginning in their life. But why new? Why does morning signify a new start? Why, with every sunset, does a day in our life also end?
Why does it automatically make us switch off from the world, close our eyes and sleep? And then awake the next day to start afresh? Would it not be easier to carry on without the compulsion of ending the day and then starting over again? Only to go through the same habits every single day, every morning and every night!
I had this thought: What would it be like if life was just one long ‘day’ that went on and on. Where night did not mean the end of the day but carrying on with life, like we usually do, only the ‘next’ day!
Darkness­; it does not have to mean an end. For most of us, darkness means ambiguity. Uncertainty and fear of the unknown most probably. But darkness can also be all-encompassing in its warmth. It’s endless… Goes beyond what we can see or even imagine.
Sure, biologically, we were made a certain way. With the end of the day it is natural for all living things to switch off. That’s just the way it is. The way we ARE (except maybe Owls or Bats).But the feeling stays with me, that the few hours we spend sleeping each day, every single day in our life, is time and life wasted. Since with every life, comes the certainty that is Death, why waste so much time sleeping, in the life we do have, that could be spent living? Living that much more…?