Free Falling

It always starts as a dull ache at the very core of my being. Sometimes it stays, other times it grows at an alarming speed, growing to this all-encompassing pain, with a large rock wedged at the centre of my throat. I choke, feel dizzy and tears fall out of their own accord. I can't say where exactly it starts, but it's somewhere deep, deep down and I want to know where. I carry the notion that once I know where it starts, I can control it before it spins out of control. And therefore, I am on a quest of sorts; trying to figure out the beginning & the end, both. Merge them together and BAM! I've got my solution... or have I?

~I sometimes stand at the bottom of those never-ending stairs, and I look up, high up, only to see what I see turn grey and then gradually go dark. But not Black. Never Black. And I start to climb up, with the wall on my left, against my back and Nothingness on the right. Not light, not grey, not dark, not Black. Nothing. And it terrifies me. And I can feel my heartbeat on my wrist and hear it in my head. And I wake up. Every day. And I still hear it.

Only once did I make it to the top of the stairs... and it was under the open sky. There was not a single sign of life, but there was the sky. I walked to the edge and saw the fall. And for one moment, standing there the way I was, I wanted to be free falling. Into the sky! But I turned back and the stairs began with the darkness and I could see the Nothingness below. And when I woke up that day, there were tears.~

I look at people around me, feel so numb. Numb, like I can hear this light buzz in my ears and feel like I am looking at my surroundings from a distance, hear them but the voices are so low!

Does it always have to be about the pain?

I've noticed that 'pain' is the one emotion that binds us all. And yet, we fail to see the pain in the eyes of those around us. Fail to notice the pain that we CAUSE to those who don't matter and to those who DO, by our words, our actions... and then we fail to notice the reactions. It is that look in the eye that we miss. Of course, we move on and so do they, but the pain that was felt in that moment will always be there. For, after all, does the pain really ever leave us?

We forget, it fades from memory... but it was felt and it's ours.

And how will the pain caused by words (or actions) ever leave us really? I mean, apologies and amendments only go so far. That moment can never be removed or erased. It was no fool who once said 'Once spoken, words cannot be taken back'.

Of course the same can be said about Happiness and other emotions alike, but I am somewhat partial to Pain right now!

My Pain, makes me wanna fly or fall! The free fall~

"...gonna free fall, out into nothing

gonna leave this world for a while

And I'm free... free falling..."

The Thorn Birds~

I just finished reading 'The Thorn birds'. It was beautiful.
Something that stayed with me....

"The bird with the thorn in its breast, it follows an immutable law; it is driven by it knows not what to impale itself, and die singing. At the very instant the thorn enters there is no awareness in it of the dying to come; it simply sings and sings until there is not the life left to utter another note. But we, when we put the thorns in our breasts, we know. We understand. And still we do it. Still we do it."

We do, don't we??

just some crap~

For some time now... I haven't been able to write at all!
Its almost as if its gone now! But that is something I don't want to give up on as easily as I have given up on a few things before. Is it lack of willpower, determination, low self confidence I can't really say. But it is something I am working on.
I lost my journal a few months back! After that I just haven't written at all. It used to be just something that made me happy. A release of sorts.Then i stopped. And now, for the past month or so, I feel the need to write. But whenever I try, I can't come up with anything. I can't think. I go blank.
Someone told me when faced with the likes of the "Writers Block Syndrome" when you cant think of what you want to write, just start writing the first thing that comes into your head. It may be crap, it may not make sense. Just write, and that in itself will make a difference.
So I figured, even if I am writing 'crap', it is better than not writing at all! It won't hurt me or anyone else for that matter! aye??
So here I am.. at 3am in the morning.. writing some crap n feeling a lot better by now! :)
Maybe there will be something better next time! n if there aint.. who cares haha